Dating Advice & Tips

First Date - Keep Your Ex and Your Recent Breakup Out Of It!

Still dwelling on or talking about your ex? Maybe you shouldn't be dating at all!

If you feel the need to start yapping about your bitchy ex-wife, your S.O.B. ex husband, your lousy ex-boyfriend, etc., then you probably shouldn't be on your date. As a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't be on any date. 

Nobody you just met wants to hear about your last relationship.  Certainly with time, as a relationship blossoms, your new partner will come to know you better and learn about pieces of your life, both good and bad.  However, early on, when you've just met someone, there is no greater faux pas than ranting about your ex.  When you do this, you make it clear to the other person that not only is it weighing you down emotionally, but it sets off red flags to indicate that you may not even be over the loss of that person.   The fact of the matter is when you are truly "finished" with a relationship; when you are truly "over it" and ready to move on, the need to rant about it has dissipated and you can live your life without the crap looming over you 24/7. 

Attention Ladies:  If you are one of those women who needs to go on and on about your last marriage, even if it ended long ago, then you've got a problem. I cannot tell you how many stories I have heard about the loser ex who doesn't pay enough child support; the jerk who wants nothing to do with his children; the idiot who constantly harasses with threats regarding custody, etc.  I have heard it all.  Bulletin:  Work on your past before you can work on your future with a new person.  It would be music to my ears when a woman would say "My ex-husband and I have a great relationship now because of our children.  We are on good terms and we both love our kids".  Oftentimes I even hear women say that their relationship is better with their ex-husband now than when they were married!  This is a sign of stability.  The ability and levelheadedness to part amicably with your children's best interest in mind speaks volumes for who you are.  These are women who are ready for a relationship.  These are women that a quality man seeks out.  These women are not living in the past.  They do not carry anger and negative energy with them on a routine basis.  Caveat:  If you are with a man who has concerns or insecurities about your relationship with your ex (and possibly his new spouse), then get rid of him, no questions asked.  A quality, empowered, confident man will not try to control you and your relationships that solidify your existence.  He will understand and support your need to maintain a peaceful and cooperative existence with your ex in the best interest of your children.  If he doesn't, then he is immature, insecure and controlling.  Kick him to the curb and find a real man.

As for my experiences, I cannot tell you how many times I listened to long, drawn out snoozer stories about the ex-husband on a first date.  Nothing turns me off more.  If you're having problems dealing with your last relationship, fix that before you enter into a new one.  If you feel the overwhelming need to spill your negative story on a new man right out of the gate, then you're simply lacking tact and should think twice before going on this date or any date.  Much of this concept goes back to my discussion about negativity on a date.  If in your heart of hearts, you are not positive about relationships then you are not yet capable of having one that is positive. 

Attention Gentlemen:  Think the ladies are the only ones guilty of this?  Think again!  Through my research, interviews and comments from many women, the men are just as bad as the women when it comes to rambling about your last relationship.  Women, being more sensitive creatures in general than men, pay close attention to you early on and especially on a first date.  Listen up guys:  Do NOT talk about your last relationship when you meet a new woman.  It gets old, it gets boring and the key is to focus on your date and new potential partner.  Same holds true for the men as the women; if you're still dwelling on the past or feel the need to bitch and moan about your last relationship, then it's not time to date.  A woman you just met does not want to hear about why you hate your ex or how terrible she was or how mean she was.  Your last relationship was a two way street and your story is only half of the picture, and probably a biased one at that.  Chances are that your ex is saying the same, if not worse things about you.  If your date has an ounce of brain matter, she will question you and your integrity if all you have to say about your last relationship is bad.  Obviously it wasn't all bad if you were in it ... unless you're a martyr and stayed in it for a cause.  But the point remains the same;  Nobody wants to meet you and right off the bad hear all about your last relationship and nobody wants to be bombarded with negativity about your ex.  It is in your best interest to have healed from your last relationship and truly be ready for a new beginning.  If you are not, then your new relationship is probably doomed.  And please don't sit there blaming your ex-wife for your now miserable existence.  If you're paying child support or alimony and are annoyed to no end about it, talking to your date will not do anything but add tension to your date.  If your ex-wife dragged you in and out of court during your divorce, don't talk about it.  If it still upsets you, don't date.

The Most Critical Point of this entire topic
Heal your past before creating a new future.  There are no exceptions to this.  If you are not past your last relationship on every level, you should not be pursuing a new one.  This includes a divorce-in-progress.  I don't care if you have been separated for two years and are not finished with your divorce.  Be done, be healed.  If you are not divorced, you are NOT done.  This all centers around attracting the right relationship; a quality companion.  If you want to attract a loser, a martyr or a codependent person who thrives on negativity, then more power to you.  Trust me, you'll need it!

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